The Parrot | Talking Dog | Kathleen Madigan | Politics As Usual | Lucky Driver | Driving Under the Influence | Duck Walks into a Bar | The Pastor’s Ass
The parrot who wouldn’t shut up…
The parrot wouldn’t stop cursing!
Ray travels in his motor-home with his talkative but very foul-mouthed parrot. One day in a campground near Sedona, Arizona, the bird’s swearing got to be too much for Ray. He grabbed it by the throat and yelled, “Stop it! Stop it!” But just moments later, the bird was swearing again.
The next day, the bird yelled profanities so loudly that the couple next door in a big fifth wheel stopped to demand its silence. Desperate, Ray locked the bird in a kitchen cabinet. But that didn’t help either: the bird kept right on swearing.
The following day, the parrot was worse than ever before. As a last resort, Ray tossed it into his Dometic freezer. After about five minutes, all was quiet. Worried that the bird might be freezing, Ray removed it from the freezer. “I’m sorry,” said the suddenly polite parrot. “I promise to never swear again.”
Ray was astonished. He couldn’t understand the change in the bird’s attitude.
“By the way,” asked the parrot, “What did the chicken do?”
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The talking dog…
The couple is driving down a country road in their motor-home when they spot a sign in a front yard. It says, “Talking dog for sale. $10.00.” Intrigued, they pull their RV to a stop and go to the front door of the home with the sign in the
yard. A man answers the door and the couple asks: “We’d like to see your talking dog. We might want to buy him from you.” “Sure,” said the guy in the house. “The dog is out in the back yard. Go take a look and see if you like him.”
When the couple approached the dog, it said to them, “Hello folks. How are you today?” Astounded, the couple asked the dog about himself. “Oh, said the dog” I’ve had a good life so far. I played pro football and after retirement I ran for mayor and was elected. Then I learned needlepoint and became a competitive swimmer.”
The RV’ers couldn’t believe their ears, but decided if the offer was still good to buy the dog. The owner accepted the $10.00 and thanked them for their purchase. The couple couldn’t believe their good fortune at acquiring such a talented animal. As they departed with the dog, the guy asked: “Why in the world did you sell me that unbelievable dog for only $10.00? For Heaven’s sake, the dog TALKS.” “He sure does,” said the former owner, “but he never tells the truth.”
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One of the really fun things we did in Palm Springs was see Kathleen Madigan in concert. This girl is really funny!
- “This was in Cosmopolitan Magazine…It said: ‘Looking for Mr. or Ms. Right? Tired of the bar scene? Try the Laundromat.’ Like I want to be 30 and dating a guy who can’t afford a dryer!”
Kathleen Madigan…very funny!
- “The Flight Attendant got on the back microphone the last flight I was on. She goes, ‘Hi my name’s Mindy. We’re sixth in line for take-off, so I thought we’d play some games while we’re waiting to take off. I want every row, as a team, to guess the combined age of all the flight attendants.’ She comes up to me ’cause I’m sitting on the aisle seat. She goes, ‘Ma’am, does your team have a guess?’ I go, ‘Well, we talked it over, and we’re gonna go with nine’ which would have been mean if she would’ve gotten it.”
- “The only sport I absolutely refuse to watch: Marathon Running. Uh…that looks like a bunch of anorexics in a hurry to get a burger.’
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Politics as usual…
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.” The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?” The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.” “Done!” replies the government official.
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The lucky driver…
A police officer pulls over a motorist and informs him that he has just won $5,000.00 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt. “What are you going to do with the prize money?” the policeman asks. The man responds, 
“I guess I’ll go to driving school and get my drivers license.” His wife says, “Don’t listen to him! He’s a smart ass when he’s drunk.” The guy in the back seat pops out from under the blanket and says, “I knew we wouldn’t get far in this stolen car.” Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, “Have we crossed the border yet?”
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Driving under the influence…
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”
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This duck walks into a bar…
The duck asks the bartender: “Got any grapes?” The bartender says, “No I don’t have any grapes.” So the duck leaves the bar, very disappointed.
The next day the same duck walks into the same bar and asks the same bartender the same question: “Got any grapes?” “No, I don’t have any grapes” says the bartender.
On the third day, the duck asks the same question. This time the bartender says: “I’ve been telling you for three days I don’t serve grapes. I’m sick of you coming in here day after day and asking the same question! So, understand this: “If you come back and ask the same question, I’ll nail your bill to the bar!”
At this, the duck frowns and leaves the bar.
The duck returns on the fourth day. This time he asks the bartender: “You got any nails?”
The bartender says: “No.”
So the duck asks: “You got any grapes?”
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The Pastor’s Ass…
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. the Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again. The local paper read: “Pastor’s ass out front!”
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper’s headline read: “Bishop scratches Pastor’s ass.”
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. So the Pastor decided to give the donkey to a Nun who lived in a nearby convent. The local newspaper, hearing about the gift, posted the following front page headline the next day: “Nun has the best ass in town.” The Bishop fainted. He directed the Nun to get rid of the donkey. She sold it to a farmer for $10 bucks.
The following morning the paper’s headline stated: “Nun sells ass for $10 bucks.” This was simply too much for the Bishop so he directed the Nun to purchase the donkey back from the farmer and lead it to the plains, where it could run wild. You guessed it: The paper reported in the morning paper: “Nun’s ass is wild and free.” The Bishop’s funeral was held the following day!
The moral of the story is…being concerned about public opinion can bring you lots of grief and misery…perhaps even shorten your life. Be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass. You’ll be lots happier and maybe even live longer!
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Church bells ringing…
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents’ house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother, to comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, she was told, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on a Sunday morning.”
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex was surely asking for trouble. “Oh no, my dear,” replied Granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply “in on the ding and out on the dong.”
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued: “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along!”
I’ll never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.
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