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Hiking in bear country…
In case anyone is considering doing some camping this spring or summer, please note the following public service announcement:
“In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells frighten away MOST bears. Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings, to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears. One can tell a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it.”
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These are supposedly actual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses on the stand…
During the hundreds of times I questioned witnesses on the stand, I hope I never sounded this stupid!
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.”
Q: Did he kill you?
Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Were you alone or by yourself?
Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That’s me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I’ll be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
So, you were gone until you returned?
You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, “Your Honor, I’d like to strike the next question.”
Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary’s Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!
Phony baloney…
This wooden dog had me fooled for a couple days, from a distance.
“Air Horn Golf”
My next “funny stuff” entry has nothing to do with motor-home travel or Our Great American Adventure. It’s a You Tube clip that has tickled my funny bone for years…perhaps because it’s about the kind of prank my high school buddies and I liked to play back “in the day.” I grew up in San Marino, a small almost strictly residential city near Pasadena, California. In a snazzy part of Pasadena is the Annandale Golf Club. It is very beautiful, very exclusive and members take their golf and social life very seriously. They pay a hefty price to play the Annandale course. One Saturday afternoon back in the 60’s…Well, you can probably by now guess what my buddies and I did and where this You Tube clip is going. It’s called “Air Horn Golf.” I hope it puts a smile on your face or, even better, makes you laugh out loud.
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What’s on your mind?
HIM: IT’S OFFICIAL…INSTEAD OF SEX, MEN NOW THINK ABOUT THE iPHONE EVERY SEVEN SECONDS.
HER: IT’S NOT JUST MEN!
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Have a seat…
The story is told…of a lady who was rather old-fashioned, always quite delicate, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week-long vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a
particular RV park asking for a reservation.
She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but she didn’t quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn’t bring herself to write the word “toilet” in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term “BATHROOM COMMODE.” But when she wrote that down, she still felt she was being a bit ‘forward.’ So she started all over again, re-wrote the entire letter referring to the bathroom commode merely as the BC. “Does the campground have its own BC?” she asked in her letter.
Well, the campground owner wasn’t old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn’t figure out what the woman was talking about. That “BC” business really stumped him. After thinking about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn’t imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:
Dear Madam:
“I regret very much the delay in answering your letter but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located just nine miles north of the campground. It seats 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance from our campground, especially if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a lot of campers take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.
It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are wonderful…even normal delivery sounds can be easily heard. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and it was so crowded we had to stand up the entire time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now a supper is planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC. I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. if you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember, this is a friendly community.”
Sincerely,
RV Park Owner
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Darn…that’s just what the Doctor told me last week!
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Picking the Thanksgiving Turkey…
Happy Thanksgiving!
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George Washington and Brian Williams crossing the Potomac River.
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NEWS FLASH: U.S. “DEEPLY CONCERNED” AFTER CHINESE JETS SINK NAVY AIRCRAFT CARRIER.
THE PENTAGON — Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel said on Sunday he was “deeply concerned” after Chinese fighter jets sunk a U.S. Navy carrier in international waters earlier this week.
The USS George Washington (CVN-73), a Nimitz class nuclear powered aircraft carrier, began sending warning signals on Thursday after two Chinese Su-27 fighters began a series of screaming low altitude passes mere feet above the flight deck, sending sailors and airmen diving for cover.
The jets pulled numerous highly dangerous maneuvers around the ship for approximately 20 minutes, before sending a volley of six Kh-31A anti-ship missiles into the carrier superstructure. Hagel said the death toll from the sinking stands at approximately 5,247 sailors dead, with 143 still unaccounted for.
“This is a real tragedy, that, we hope does not damage our relations with the Chinese,” Hagel said.
Two senior defense officials told Duffel Blog the ship’s Phalanx 20mm anti-missile gun systems, which would have normally prevented the attack, had been shut off. The sources said the captain had ordered the weapons disabled when the Chinese fighters began their initial runs to avoid a possible international incident.
In the aftermath of the attack, the Pentagon has ordered a blackout on all surveillance footage from the area so as not to incite any further hostilities in the region.
In a statement, Gen. Martin Dempsey, chairman of the Joint Chiefs, said he would have a “serious” conversation with Chinese military leaders about the incident “soon.”
The United Nations condemned the incident and issued a non-binding resolution with — make no mistake — very stern wording. Russia and China declined to sign or discuss the document.
At press time, President Obama told reporters that China may have crossed a red line, and he would seriously consider reducing trade with Beijing if it sunk another aircraft carrier.
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FUN FACTS. YOU’LL ENJOY THIS.
1- You can’t wash your eyes with soap.
2- You can’t count your hairs.
3- You can’t breathe through your nose, with your tongue out.
4- You just tried No.3.
6- When you did No.3 you realized it’s possible only you look like a dog.
7- You’re smiling right now because you’re fooled.
8- You skipped No. 5.
9- You just checked to see if there’s No. 5
SEE, I KNEW YOU’D ENJOY IT.
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